It’s been just over two weeks since the Richmond Marathon, and I’ve had plenty of time to feel all the things. From disappointment with my time, to excitement for a new PR, to let’s plan a comeback race in the middle of my 50 mile training, to acceptance. Acceptance in that there will be another time to train for a fast full. One thing I realized a couple of nights ago was this: my ego is controlling my priorities. Back in September when I signed up for the 50 miler, I did it because I knew deep down I needed something different for myself. But when my fall race didn’t go as planned, I started to let that outcome dictate my plans. But the truth is, I still need something else. My happiness can not be attached to a result, and so whereas last week I planned to race the Wilmington full in February, today I will run it only as part of my ultra training.
I’ve crossed the Richmond Marathon finish line twice. Once in 2021 with a time of 3:00:08 and two weeks ago, in 2:56:10. I’ve also hit that sub three goal twice, Boston 2022 in 2:58:30 and this year in Richmond. Although the time two weeks ago was my fastest, I can honestly say that the feeling of crossing the finish line was not the same as it was two years ago or in Boston. When I ran Richmond in 2021, the feeling I had when I crossed the finish line was unlike anything I had experienced. Yes, I was a few seconds shy of my goal, but I had achieved something I never thought possible. Like ever. For years, I wanted to run under 3:20 in the marathon and here I was, just 9 seconds shy of running under 3 hours. I dared to dream bigger, and bigger things happened. Then that following April in Boston, that feeling was amplified when I finally did run under 3 hours. It wasn’t even my intention to reach for that goal when I crossed the start line. I went to have fun, and to have my family experience the race with me. For 26.2 miles I felt joy and complete presence. When the finish line came into sight on Boylston Street, I couldn’t believe it was over. In that moment, and the days that followed I felt a sense of accomplishment like never before. Hard things are doable, and I, someone who didn’t grow up a runner or ever believe in my athletic abilities, had done something hard. With both of those finish lines in the rearview mirror, I was left with the question: what other hard things can I do? My ego driven mindset had one answer: run faster.
I’ve had time to digest my fall race and here is my conclusion: Yes, I did run faster, but I’m also not sure that’s the hard thing I want to do right now. I always come back to running because it’s the thing I know I can do and I’m pretty decent at it. It’s such an ingrained habit that it’s harder not to do it, than it is to wake up at 5am for a 10 mile jog in the dark. But what about my writing? What about growing my business? What about achieving my goal of 10 pullups? These are all things I want, but tend to shy away from because they appear harder and scarier. But isn’t that what running has taught me? Hard things are possible. Dream bigger, work harder, and take chances.
A friend of mine was at the finish line in Richmond, and when we were talking post race she said, Yea, I saw you cross the finish line and I thought you didn’t look happy, but wasn’t that a PR? Yes, a PR. But why wasn’t I happy? To be fair, I was happy with parts of my race. For 10 miles I struggled but managed to keep my head in the game, and that was a win. But I didn’t have that feeling of, holy shit, I just did that! I think my soul is saying it’s time to work towards other hard things, while also training for my first 50 miler. I mean, that’s a new hard thing, right?
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Love this post !
You are amazing & inspiring !